Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

5:40pm: I forgot this existed. Do people still use livejournal?
Just thought I'd check.
I'm at college, by the way.

3:16pm: I think Rosie O'Donnell is one of the most - if not the most - inane individual God ever created.
She never ceases to disappoint me. The end.

1:18am: Solutions are temporary. Seek them anyway.
Cures are never easy. Seek them anyway.
Wounds heal, but medicines help.
Ambiguity is my specialty.

11:08pm: Lost blew my mind.
That is all. Ok, it wasn't the most surprising thing, but hey, I enjoyed it.
While studying. And trying to memorize stuff.
Shew. I'm going to bed.

12:20pm: In between station, the breakneck passage of time.
Cross through the mountains and across the plain,
Look out the window; you'll never see this again.
And though the train may be pulling in soon, dare.
Dare to go over and sit next to her before the train,
before the train, before the train slows down.

12:06am: How often do you doubt? In general, how often do you doubt yourself? Others? What you are? What you believe? Do you believe in anything? Do you doubt at all?
Serious question. What do you think?

11:41pm: One More Thing
I realized I have too many books today. I realized this when I found 2 books under my bed, literally 30 or more strewn around my room in various locations, and 1 in my sock drawer.
I likes the readings.

10:06pm: Incredible. I like that word. It makes me laugh when I say it with a British accent. As does the word "cocksure." Tehe...Ok, enough of that.
I'm leaving for Ireland Wednesday, which happens to also be my birthday. So, yeah, that's all happening. I'll be gone for two weeks. Have fun people. Celebrate my exodus from the country. Take a big break from the wearing and tiring effect of Clint Wilson.
(p.s. - I finished my Overture. Thank God).

12:42am: Thesis. I've worked roughly 15 hours this week on my thesis outside of school.
I'm so tired. And yet...
I've begun writing a symphony. I'm excited. I've got 10 or 11 instruments planned out. I'm enjoying the tuba and the violin parts today. I'm getting inspiration from all sorts of sources, including "Be Our Guest." Weird, eh? Oh well, sleep, symphony, and thesis is on the menu. See you all soon.

p.s. - Did you look outside today?

12:04am: Ok, I got my fix as far as Toy Story's concerned.
I think I'm going to watch more Disney movies, however.
I am loving life. I walked up to life and shook his hand today. We talked about college, writing, musicals, the various forms of love (agape, eros, and phileo [is that spelled right?]), happiness, and the general question: how do we find contentment? In a way, don't we all want to be content. Find a way to be alright with life, and from that state of mind, we know we can find joy. It's Aristotelian in application, but I think we can all find it if we look hard enough. We find it in the little things of life (a.k.a. - watching Toy Story with friends).
Life's a great conversationalist.

11:32pm: What is my life lacking? What do I need?
I figured it out.

Toy Story. I'm going to watch Toy Story at one point this week. It will cure all the ailments, take my mind off all the changes, the disappointments, the fleeting thoughts.
Toy Story. It's going to happen.

Now here's the deal. You're welcome to join in, just let me know and we'll plan something This Week. If not, well, I'll watch it by myself. Also, if you want to be here in spirit because you're far away, let me know and I'll leave a seat open.

"When the road looks tough ahead and you're miles and miles from your nice, warm bed
You just remember what your ol' pal said, 'yeah, you've got a friend in me.'"

11:41pm: "No it won't all come the way it should,
But I know the heart of life is good."
- John Mayer, "The Heart of Life"

I'm a fan of this. I'm also a fan of studying existentialism. The Sartre and Kierkegaard and whatnot. I likes the philosophy. The metaphysical, ontological questioning of Being within the reference frame of a growing existential movement toward individually determined meaning and away from inherited purpose is fascinating. And confusing. True, it's jargon; but, I made it up. So it's my jargon. Back off. Just kidding...
Which brings me back to the Heart of Life. I do believe that the heart of life is good. Regardless of where our meaning, our purpose, our Being comes from, I have faith that there is indeed a meaning to my life. And I'm excited to watch that unfold.
I know what you're thinking: "This is the same shit he always writes: some optimistic, pseudo-philosophical outlook on life, existence, and belief." You're right. But here it is anyway.

10:37pm: Life really isn't about winning or losing. Granted, sometimes it is.
But in the end, honestly, it's about showing up.

12:24am: My last opening night. Nostalgic. Lethargic. Have you ever noticed how life passes so oddly? Like, one moment it's cruising at a steady residential 25 and at other times you're flying at a highway 75 (or faster)? I don't know. It just occured to me tonight.
I'll take life regardless of the speeds, regardless of the ups and downs, because in the end, I believe that the heart of life is good. Like tonight. Tonight was good all around. Not a bad crowd, it felt good to perform. I mean, granted it's Cats, which is not exactly my cup of tea. But I'm happy with life. With the opportunities I get, even though I often don't deserve them. With the friendships I have, though I'm not always the best friend.
I'm working on it all. I believe there's some good right around the corner. And I'm excited about that.

2:31am: The inexorable progress of peace. I feel good tonight.
Strangely good. Maybe it's the time, maybe it's the music, maybe it's just closure. Maybe it's hope.
Whatever "it" is, I receive it with open arms.
Tomorrow is new,
Clint

3:38pm: Something I'm really excited about:
"Reign Over Me," the new dramedy staring Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. I'm not a big Sandler fan, but Cheadle's great and the music sounds great.
Let's go people.

11:38pm: I'm on the brink of something.
Thresholds. I've got the matches and the firewood. I just need to start this fire.
Do you all get annoyed with my metphors? And literary crap? Sometimes I do...it's ok. I need to discover originality. Where is he?
But still...

I'm on the brink of something.

12:02am: Good Evening All
"We know that every moment is a moment of grace, every hour an offering; not to share them would mean to betray them."
~ Elie Wisel, author of Night in his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize

That sums it up. Every moment is a moment of grace. It makes you think, makes you treasure whatever time you have, whenever you get the chance to have it. There's an intrinsic mystery to our lives, which leaves us ever-searching for peace. Sharing these hours of grace, reveling in these "offerings" with friends or whoever makes me realize that peace is hiding in them if you would but reach out and take a hold of it. And though I may never fully understand this enigma - in fact, I know I never will fully - I trust that in years to come, every moment will reveal the blessing hiding within them.
I have no regrets because I treasure every second.

Music of the last couple o' weeks:
1) Typical Situation - DMB 2) In Her Eyes - Josh Groban 3) Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright 4) Samson - Regina Spektor 5) Heartland - Jim Brickman

6:04pm: Why people worry about me.
I was driving home from basketball and I thought, "what the hell" for no apparent reason. The kind of "what the hell" that you say when you're about to do something stupid. I looked at the thermometer and saw that it was roughly 28 degrees. I then proceeded to remove my shirt, turn off the heat, and roll the windows down. The looks I got were priceless. Truly. Yes, I need help. Lots of it.

On a more serious note, I suppose, I feel different lately. It's very odd. I feel thirsty for something, and nothing seems to quench it. I hope that goes away...

10:39am: Yeah, crazy snow. A quilt of whiteness covering the ground. Many possibilities.
That's not my point. I decided I'm going to be taking a break from the internety things: facebook and all that jazz. I don't know how long it'll last. I tend to have a problem following through a hundred percent. It might be a day, it might be for a few weeks. I just wanted to let you all know, in case I don't write back and stuff like that...if it makes any difference. So I told myself that 1 o' clock today will be my last check for a while. So I'm just taking a break; I'm not deleting anything. At least not yet anyway.
Till next time.

3:22pm: My keyboard's broken.
I think it's a symbol.

6:59pm: Today. Today. I wrote again. God, it's been a long time. It's been frustrating, unsettling, and most of all, unremitting. But I'm going to break through this. I love this feeling. I'm going to try to be more stoic-try to not let my emotions or mood discourage me from writing. Sure, they'll play a factor, but not to the point where I give up all together.
I no longer want to say, "I had a future but I break'd it." Optimism will incredibly abundant. So many things are coming together. Some old stuff, some new stuff just mixing together in a new vessel of ideas.
There's a balance. I'm not going to pull a Hemingway and force myself to write at least 20 pages a day, but I'm not going to be lazy and do nothing everyday either. I'm going to write. Musicals, novels, poetry, whatever. And I'm going to read, so I can learn.

In silence, beauty goes unknown
And without oxygen, fire finds no fuel
(Nor would we, if but for each other)
In silence, passion goes unfulfilled
Tantalizing the soul
Raging forth with no control

And hushed voices clamor in the back
Smooth melody and jazz drift through
But not to you, not to you

We'll break this silence.
With your eyes, or my stare
Word and Beauty
Beyond compare
Write what you feel and say (what you mean)
We'll break this silence - Believe.

12:43am: Yeah.
Time is my enemy. I'm convinced that if I had more time, I could figure things out, and become something. However, this whole Time concept is really tough to deal with. If I only had a day left, what would be really important? I'm not sure I know the answer to this question in it's entirety.
I sort of messed up. I didn't know I needed to know 2 classical pieces for my Belmont audition. So, I moved my audition to another day. But I'm not going back. Not only am I not sure that's the place for me (although it's really nice), I'm not sure music's going to work out. I love it, sure. But if I was good at everything I loved, life would probably be a helluva lot easier. Maybe later in life, things will fall into place.
I want what time I have to mean something. Even if it's just in small ways. I'd like to write, maybe teach, love, learn, grow. And when Time catches up with me, I can say that I won. That I did the most with what I'd been given.
I want the things I do and the things I become to last. I don't want to be the average just-about-to-enter college guy who throws commitment out the window and wastes his life away because he's afraid or stupid. Sure, I want to have the "college experience" or whatever. I want to live and do all that jazz. But I love knowing someone loves me, and I love knowing that I've got my friends to fall back on. I just sat in the car the entire drive back from Nashville thinking about failure and expectations. I may amount to nothing when my Time comes, but I want to be a good person who isn't afraid to learn and isn't afraid to love unconditionally. I know people are hard to trust, and it can be real tough to feel "close" to someone after you've been hurt (I spent time with a friend who's going through a hard time in Nashville). But to trust someone with everything you have is a really great feeling. To trust and love without condition, without pretense, without fear. And later, I plan on trusting my dreams the same way. I'll take a chance. Time is catching up, but I've already got love and laughter, dreams and desires. I'll take my chance one day.

5:47pm: We were talking about sonnets in lit today, and I, somewhat jokingly, threw out a different rhyme scheme/meter for a sonnet: I called it the Wilsonian Sonnet. However, my lit teacher actually liked it. Isn't that weird? Usually she hates when I mess with stuff like that, but who knows, people? This could be in the text books in a a couple of years...haha. Oh, enough of that.
I feel sort of stretched. My sanity, I'm convinced, is failing me rapidly. And I want to change. I need confirmation on some things, and I'm feeling a little insecure (which, for those of you who know me, are probably saying, "what else is new"). I guess nothing's new. Things will look up.

1:12am: I can't explain my mood today. I varied from low lows to high highs, and such. It was very strange. Granted, it was pretty good. Very little homework, short play practice, getting to hang out with mckenzie and others...
But yesterday was a tough day that kind of carried over into today. I get really defensive about my friends. For instance, when they are hurting, I tend to hurt. And sometimes I feel as if whatever happened to them actually happened to me. And from this, I get a little down, doubting, etc...I need to get over that. I don't want to be like that. I mean, I want to be sympathetic, and empathetic if I can. But I don't want to doubt, or get down, or worry. I just don't want that. Or need it.

So that's my ramble. My vent. Thanks for "listening." Just to let you all know, if you ever go through tough times, don't be afraid to call me randomly at 3 in the morning to talk (or anytime for that matter). Life's precious, and short, and joyful, despite its difficulties.
In the hard times, though, it's great to know that someone loves you.

I miss Laura.